Here we conclude the Star Wars anthology, topping
off beloved prequels The Phantom Suck and Attack
of the Suck with the epic Revenge of the Suck. With
nearly effortless precision George Lucas has managed to wholly
eradicate all that I enjoyed about the Star Wars film
series. With Phantom Menace we forgave him because we
knew he was now fat and hadn’t actually directed a movie
since A New Hope. With Attack of the Clones we
figured its monumental failure would persuade old GL to hand off
directorial and scripting reigns to someone more capable. With
Revenge of the Sith we assumed that, since the story
of Darth Vader’s rise was essentially written in stone,
that nothing, not even Lucas’ inept directing and ‘vision’
could sour the experience. However, if there’s one thing
the prequels have taught me, it’s to never underestimate
the power of full creative control.
Before
I lay too far into his latest abomination, let it be known that
I do indeed love all that Star Wars was and should be.
A New Hope and Return of the Jedi are both clumsy
but charming, while The Empire Strikes Back is a cinematic
masterpiece in which the trilogy as we know it would have never
taken form otherwise. In A New Hope Vader was bossy and
spooky; respectable, but not legendary, while in Jedi he was a
caped mannequin upstaged by the loveable and crusty Palpatine.
No, it was in Empire that Darth Vader became the scene-chewing
villain that would become an archetype of all that is right and
true for an epic antagonist. It was in Empire that the
“Force” became more than a trick used for making odd
noises and shooting proton torpedoes. Through Yoda, the philosophy
of the Jedi was given shape, and the power and scope of their
legacy was realized for the first time. Empire had energy;
Luke’s fairly tame training was beautifully interwoven with
his friends' plight on cloud city, and we come to appreciate the
full power and influence of the Empire through Lando’s betrayal.
Lando, for those who weren’t aware, is the greatest action
hero cinema will ever know. Only one man can call Han Solo a pirate
and walk away, and that man endorses Colt 45.
Our latest film opens with a furious space battle
over the capitol of Coruscant. (George had to make sure we were
reminded that there would be fighting by cleverly inserting “WAR!”
into the opening narration.) For those unaware, the great Stephen
Spielberg is credited for directing most of the major action sequences
in this film, so don’t be too surprised if you see a fight
that’s actually interesting to watch. The opening battle
is nice, but we’re quickly reminded that Hayden Christensen
is the star of this film, and that he and Sir Alec Guinness Jr.
have absolutely no on-screen chemistry. Witty banter continues
for a while as their effortless slaughter of droids is interwoven
with the R2-D2 Comedy Hour. Admittedly, R2 is much more palatable
than Jar Jar Binks or C3-PO (in Attack of the Clones),
but the antics get old quick. Eventually Anakin and Obi-Wan face
the might of Count Dooku, who is beheaded in less than nine seconds.
I forgave the throw-away status of Christopher Lee’s character
in Attack of the Clones because I assumed he would be
fleshed out in the sequel and questions answered. Why did Dooku
leave the council? How did he fall to the Dark Side? Did he know
about Skywalker’s potential? Never mind, let’s just
have his head and be done with it. Anakin is probably bad now
since he killed an unarmed man, by the way. Some things happen;
Obi-Wan shoots a droid guy who was presumably the central enemy
of the film; the resolution of the Clone Wars, a conflict that’s
been built up for decades, comes to a confusing conclusion.
Now
things pick up a bit. If ever there was a Star Wars actor to go
unappreciated (aside from Billy Dee Williams), it’s Ian
McDiarmid. While Vader was all business, Emperor Palpatine was
truly evil, a man who really took pleasure in the art of corroding
the human soul. In Revenge of the Sith McDiarmid is undoubtedly
the highlight, adding significant depth to both the character
of Darth Sidious and the lore of the Sith. Before this, we’ve
never really been exposed to the perspective of one entrenched
in the Dark Side. With the originals, all we knew was that it
was bad and often found in caves. Here, we see a moralistic relativism
that gives shape to Anakin’s ultimate betrayal of the Jedi
council. Of course, all this building comes to an appropriate
conclusion: the electrocution of Sam Jackson. Samuel Jackson is
arguably the worst actor in the new trilogy, rivaling Natalie
Portman in sheer lack of emotional range, so it’s only natural
that his demise be as ridiculous as his being cast as a central
Jedi character. What’s best is that Palpatine is laughing
along with the audience; he knows what’s up. Of course,
at this point the pacing is about to take a turn for the worse.
Nothing could possibly keep me awake for the next 45 minute block,
unless…
That’s
right, Jimmy Smits is on the scene. Jimmy Smits
is the new Lando, ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Smits knows the
score, and he’s not about to let Palpatine kill all the
Jedi without a fight. Without Jimmy Smits, we would have no one
to cheer for until the last 20 minutes of the movie. Thank heaven
we live in a world with Jimmy Smits. Hopefully we'll be treated
to a re-re-re-release of the original trilogy that spotlights
Bail Organa screaming "NOOO!!!" as Tarkin incinerates
Alderaan. Better yet, Tarkin would realize that the the ability
to destroy a planet is insignificant to the power of Jimmy Smits.
Some
other things happen. Stormtroopers all turn on their previous
Jedi pals under Palpatine’s orders, and we’re treated
to a short montage of some of the most feeble Jedi deaths I’ve
ever seen. Granted, most of the supporting Jedi characters never
came off as particularly great in the prequels, but they really
do die in ridiculously pathetic ways. The “Great Jedi Purge”
seemed more like Jedi bloopers, complete with embarrassing jet
crashes and effeminate falls. The only one that came off as impressive
was some random Jedi child (likely a Lucas relative) that killed
a respectable share of troopers before going down. At this point
in the film I was more relieved to see them die than horrified.
What really bothered me is how within five minutes Anakin went
from chopping Sam Jackson's arm off (with reasonable cause) to
murdering innocent children. Jedi children had nothing to do with
the alleged conspiracy, and yet thusfar it's this conspiracy that's
justified Anakin's betrayal. I hate you, George Lucas.
Eventually Jimmy Smits bails Yoda and Obi-Wan
out, setting the stage for the fated lightsaber duel scenes, juxtaposing
Anakin and Obi-Wan with Palpatine and Yoda. Neither of these disappoint,
and both have their share of fancy choreography, however Yoda’s
fight was really the only part in the whole movie that had me
interested, not because of the novelty of a muppet fighting a
grown man, but rather because I really didn’t know how it
was going to turn out. More fighting happens, Anakin expectedly
becomes charred and banana-like and we're then treated to the
whiniest Darth Vader scene to ever pollute the series. The one
thing we thought couldn't get ruined in this film... Darth
Vader was an established character with an appeal cemented in
decades of pop culture, and yet somehow he still gets ruined and
ultimately shortchanged. I wonder how much they paid James Earl
Jones to scream "where's Padme" and "noooooo".
Lucas knows where to hit us hard.
The
greatest grievance, though, was the inappropriate amount of attention
paid to Anakin and Padme. Granted, we can really tell that Hayden
Christensen is trying this time, and I commend the boy. He's gone
from whiny in Attack of the Clones to merely monotone,
allowing the better actors to fill in the gaps without annoying
us himself. The problem is that his wooden spoon strategy is neutralized
by the thesbianic black hole that is Natalie Portman. I knew she
was bad, but this time around she transcends awful. It doesn't
help that Lucas' script is beyond inane and that he is wholly
incapable of directing actors to do anything. When mighty Ewan
McGregor or Christopher Lee come off flat in a film, you're doing
something horribly wrong.
Revenge of the Sith will likely be regarded
as “not as bad” as its two predecessors. I’ll
concede this, but keep in mind that Don’t Tell Mom the
Babysitter’s Dead is more bearable than the first two,
as well as just about any film that doesn't involve the raping
of an epic. George Lucas isn’t just a mediocre director;
he’s bad. Usually bad directors are filtered through
the Hollywood system before they’re able to land gargantuan
multi-million dollar blockbusters, but Lucas managed to slip past
the radar by taking complete financial and creative control over
a franchise he “sort-of” invented. Lucas didn’t
direct Empire or Jedi, nor did he even script
Empire himself. His part in the past had been the creative
“vision” (which in this case meant taking credit for
the immeasurable artistic contributions of the great Ralph
McQuarrie), not directorial control. Lucas is incapable of
conveying a story, nor can he write dialogue that doesn’t
leave me cringing every other line. Control over these talents
was given to people of greater capacity in the originals, and
all was right with the world. However, twenty years is a long
time and Lucas’ growing power over the expanding franchise
go hand in hand with his idiocy. "Is it really that bad?"
you may ask. Yes, yes it is. Objectively, it's a mediocre movie
with a handful of neat scenes meshed with hours or abysmal dialogue
and horrid pacing. However, what truly makes this an horrid experience
is that it's not just any bad movie, it's a bad Star Wars movie.
Before 1999 I'd never believe such a thing were possible, but
Lucas always manages to surprise his audience.
At the very least, the prequels have definitively
exposed George Lucas for the fraud he is. Perhaps in time even
his most mindless followers will be able to overturn his stranglehold
on the franchise, allowing actual creative people to once again
produce something worth watching. What Lucas and many others don't
understand is that he never really created Star Wars, nor should
he control it. The success of the original Star Wars is attributed
to it being the brainchild of countless people; it was an amalgamation
of what we loved best from westerns, space operas, war epics,
science fiction and fantasy. George Lucas just happened to be
in the right place at the right time; the "vision" that
he is usually credited for is nothing more than a regurgitation
of fantasy archetypes: ambitious youth finds old master, becomes
hero and defeats faceless, oppressive villains. There's nothing
breakthrough about it; rather, it's how it was done that
made the Star Wars films legendary. The reason the Star Wars films
and the extended universe have gained such a following is because
it really doesn't belong to one person. Hopefully placing
our faith in the producer of the first series to put out films
of equal appeal has taught us all a lesson.
-Aaron
