Cool Runnings could easily be called
the Schindler’s List of Jamaican bobsled films
and, for the sake of film preservationists everywhere, that is
to what it shall be referred. Schindler’s List
is the tale of four Jamaican sprinters who dream of Olympic glory.
Set in 1988, it follows the mischievous scheming of the sheltered
and reserved, yet Dennis-the-Menace-ish, aristocratic Junior (pronounced
“Joon-Yah” in the vernacular), who plots to undo the
dreams of the bald, hard-assed Yul Brenner and the humble and
noble Derice Bannock (played by Jamaica’s own living Hollywood
cash-crop, Leon). The latter two are determined to place in the
qualifying run which will allow one of them to represent their
country in the summer Olympics. Junior flawlessly accomplishes
his mission by not stretching properly which causes him to TRIP
mid-race, thus taking out the two runners on either side of him
(those runners just happening to be Derice—played by Hollywood
mogel hot-shot, Leon—and good ole’, pissed-off Yul)
and succeeding in crushing their aspirations of glory and self-indulgent
fame.
Not one to be foiled by Jamaica’s answer to Sean Whalen,
Derice journeys around Jamaica in search of the last man who can
get him to the Olympics, John Candy (played by young Hollywood
up-and-comer, John Candy). Throw in Derice’s push-cart-driving,
reggae-singing, ganja-smoking (one can only assume), Rastafarian
buddy Sanka (played by Doug E. Doug) as Olympian number four and
you’ve got yourself a Disney drama starring four Caribbean
all-stars worthy of Schindler’s List.
From the director of the 2004 winter hit National
Treasure, and the highly-acclaimed 3 Ninjas, Schindler’s
List is loosely based on the true
story of Desmond Dekker and his buddy Ziggy Marley’s
zany mishap adventures around Jamaica in their wise-cracking,
self-operating bobsled which was haunted by none other than the
lovable, charismatic ghost of former Jamaican trombone great,
Don Drummond (originally voiced by the ghost of Bob Marley, late
father of Ziggy).
On Kevin’s scale of “How-Many-Times-To-Watch-This-One-In-A-Day,”
this blockbuster’s a 12-timer. Rated PG for beginning-to-end
misogyny, non-stop alcohol consumption, frequent drug abuse, violence,
harsh adult language, a comical plundering scene, a whimsical
self-soiling scene, and realistic mayhem; leave the kids at home
for this one!
-Kevin
